Final Cameo
by Ezekiel Light
Summary: Final Fantasy VII... but with a CHOCK FULL OF CAMEO CHARACTERS! The result? Amusing? Funny? Hilarious? Read to find out.
1. Dicking Around

FINAL CAMEO

Disclaimer: I own a relatively small amount of characters in this fan-fic, simply because it's a fan-fic. I do own: Chaz, Monkey, Ninja Steve, and Dr. Geo. There's a lot of cursing, because I have an affinity for cursing, and there's reference to a lot of other adult material. Enjoy.

Chapter One: Dicking Around

[The scene opens in the AVALANCHE hangout. Barret and Tifa are playing cards. Cid is having a drinking contest with Red XIII, Cait Sith, and Yuffie. Vincent is sitting around talking with Sephiroth, who was mysteriously resurrected in a mysterious ressurection ceremony.]

Barret: Ha! Full House!

Tifa: Ha! Fuller House!

Barret: What the fuck!?

[Barret leans over and inspects Tifa's cards. She does indeed have a Fuller House, though nobody knows exactly what that is. Barret throws down his hand and grumbles as Tifa shuffles the deck again.]

Cid: Ahahahaha! I win... *hic* I win again...

Yuffie: Shut... shut up you fucker before... before I hit you...

[Yuffie falls off of her stool. Vincent is looking at Sephiroth intensely.]

Vincent: ... aren't you fucking dead?

Sephiroth: Yeah.... No.... well, maybe. I don't know. I'm just here. Stop discriminating.

Vincent: Why didn't you bring Aeris back?

Sephiroth: I didn't feel like it.

Vincent: ... fucker.

Sephiroth: Hey, lay off! It was the Mako, alright!?

[Cloud comes out of the bathroom noisily and lays a magazine on the counter. It becomes dead silent as everyone turns to look at Cloud. Cloud arches an eyebrow, then angrily snatches up the mag.]

Cloud: It was _Game Informer_!!!

[He tosses it down for everyone to see, and it is, indeed, Game Informer. Yuffie looks up at Cloud.]

Yuffie: You get off to... to Game Informer?

Cloud: Go jump in a river.

Yuffie: Been... *hic* been there, done that...

Cloud: [mumbling] Yeah, but you didn't fucking drown...

[Cloud sits down with Barret and Tifa and Tifa deals him a hand. At this time, a ninja walks into the room, banging the door loudly. Nobody pays attention to the ninja, possibly because he's mastered the art of the invisible.]

Ninja: Hey, guys... I got something to tell you.

[The ninja is ignored.]

Ninja: Hey... whoohoo, over here! I got some information!

[Once again, nobody replies, or even reacts.]

Ninja: HEY, FUCKERS!

[This turns Cid's head, who glares at the ninja. It seems like Cid is currently the only one who can see the ninja, although the ninja is in plain sight.]

Cid: What the fuck do you want?

Ninja: The Turks. They're around.

Cid: Hey, didn't we destroy Shinra?

Ninja: ... no.

Cid: Well, what about that Meteor thing?

Ninja: You were watching Armaggedon.

Cid: Oh yeah... that night I decided I was doing heroin... heroin's great.

Ninja: ... yeah... well, the President has his Shinra goons all over the city, and they're looking for... um... him.

[The ninja points at Cloud, who whoops in victory at having won in poker.]

Cid: Really... well, I'll be sure to tell him.

Ninja: Thanks. Tell him he's a fucker, too.

Cid: Will do.

[The ninja calmly strolls out of 7th Heaven. Cid walks over and taps Cloud on the shoulder.]

Cid: Hey, Cloud. You're a fucker.

Cloud: What? Well, you're an asshole.

Cid: A ninja said the Turks are out looking for you.

Cloud: Mindfucked bastard.

Cid: You wanna go kick their asses?

Cloud: No, you brainless dickhead, I don't want to kick the Turks' asses.

Cid: Well, they'll just come in here and trash the place.

Cloud: Whatever, needledick. Don't bother me.

[Cid shrugs and walks back over to the bar. Vincent gets up and walks upstairs. Sephiroth looks around cautiously, then runs over, grabs Cloud's Game Informer, and dashes into the bathroom. Then, the screen fades to black and the inn music plays. When the screen fades in again, it's morning. Cloud is sprawled out on the floor and Yuffie is sleeping on the bar. Cid is sitting in a chair, smoking and reading a newspaper. Red XIII is prowling around, looking at things. Vincent comes down the stairs scratching his ass and yawning.]

Vincent: Hey... what the hell did Cloud do?

Cid: Nobody.

Vincent: ... what?

Cid: Cloud didn't fucking do anybody.

Vincent: ... you're retarted.

[Vincent shoves Yuffie off the bar and pours himself some milk. He drinks the milk quickly, then pours some more. After drinking that, he wipes off the milk mustache, pulls up a chair, and goes back to sleep. A loud crash comes from above as Sephiroth crashes through the ceiling and hits the floor. Tifa looks down through the hole triumphantly.]

Sephiroth: Ow... oh fuck... my back...

[Cloud wakes up with a start. He scratches his straggly hair and gets up. As if on cue, the door opens and three men in suits walk in. A small kid scurries in with a boom box. He presses play and the Turk music begins. Cid looks up, then his jaw drops and he points at the lead Turk.]

Cid: It's... it's... it's...

[The rest of the people miraculously show up (or wake up) just in time to join Cid in his pointing and stuttering.]

All: It's... it's... _IT'SA MARIO!_

Mario: Yaes! It'sa Mario! Now-a you-a fuckers a gonna die!

[The Turks pull out guns and start firing. Barret recovers his senses in time to fire back. One of the Turks goes down, but Mario and the other one dart out of the bar. Barret, Cloud, Cid, and Vincent follow. Unfortunately, Mario and the Turk are mounted—Mario upon Yoshi—and a blue Megaman is standing in their way. Mario and the other Turk retreat, leaving Megaman to fight AVALANCHE.]

Cid: Out of the way, fuckstick!

Megaman: Never... Destroy...

Barret: You weren't so mindless on the video game!!

Megaman: So... fucking... what?

[Megaman fires at the four and they scatter. They circle Megaman. Barret and Vincent stay at a distance, firing on Megman. Cloud leaps in to cut Megaman, but Megaman dodges. Cid then stabs at Megaman, but Megaman grabs his arm and rips it off.]

Cid: HOLY FUCK! AHHH!! MY FUCKING ARM!

[Megaman puts Cid's arm in the blaster and begins to twich unnaturally. Barret and Vincent stop shooting. Megaman tilts his head back and...]

Megaman: YOU FUCKING BASTARDS! I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE HOW RETARTED YOU FUCKERS ARE! YOU ASSHOLE'S CAN'T EVEN DO ANY SHIT RIGHT! I'M GONNA FUCKING SHIT ON YOUR FACES AFTER I KILL YOU! BASTARDS! FUCKSTICKS!!!

[During Megaman's rant, Vincent has snuck up on Megaman. He puts his gun to Megaman's head.]

Vincent: Headshot!

[Vincent blows Megaman's head off. Barret snarls.]

Barret: Enough dicking around! Let's go get Shinra!

Cloud: Wait... don't we have to do some big adventure first? You know... otherwise then it's anti-climactic.

Vincent: He's right.

Barret: Well... what do you suppose we do?

Cid: Let's score.

Sephiroth: [running outside] You guys are gonna score? Count me in!

Cid: No, dude... let's score some heroin.

Barret: Fuck you, Cid.

Cid: Fine... I'm going to score some heroin.

[Cid walks off.]

Barret: Let's... um... well... I'm afraid to ask this, but Sephiroth?

Sephiroth: Let's score some chicks.

Barret: You see? Damn asshole.

Cloud: You're carrying Cid's weight in cursing.

Barret: It's not my fault. The author decided to have Cid be a heroin-shooting pussy, so I had to curse for him.

Vincent: We'd better discuss this with the rest of the gang.

Barret/Cloud/Sephiroth: Gang?

Vincent: ... you know what I mean.

[Vincent, Barret, Cloud, and Sephiroth walk inside. Cait Sith, Yuffie, Tifa, and Red XIII are all around. They look up at Barret as he stomps to the forefront.]

Barret: Hey! As you know, Shinra just tried to fuck us up.

[Yuffie raises her hand.]

Barret: What?

Yuffie: The pink or the stink?

Barret: ...

Cloud: Both. At the same time.

Yuffie: Wow...

Barret: Finished?

Yuffie: Yep.

Barret: Alright. Now, Cloud says that we can't just go fight Shinra head on, we gotta do a big adventure first. We haven't gotten any ideas. Anybody else got one?

[Red XIII stands on his hind legs and raises a paw.]

Barret: Got an idea?

Red XIII: Yeah.

Barret: What is it?

Red XIII: Let's... score some chicks.

Sephiroth: My man!

[Sephiroth walks up to slap Red XIII's paw, but Red backs away.]

Red XIII: Don't touch me, faggot.

[Sephiroth hangs his head and walks over and takes a seat.]

Cait Sith: Why don't I just read our future?

Cloud: ... why not?

Cait Sith: Alright, then...

[Cait Sith does his little dance and produces a piece of paper. He holds it up and squints his eyes, then throws it on the ground and stomps it.]

Cait Sith: We gotta go get Aeris.

Tifa: No way... no fucking way...

Cloud: Yes!

[Tifa glares at him, and Cloud coughs into his hand.]

Cloud: Um... I mean... I guess we have to. It's our future and all...

Barret: Enough dicking around! Let's go!

Vincent: Would you please stop saying that...

Narrator: Will their expedition prove fruitless? Will Tifa bitchslap Cloud? Will Barret ever stop saying "Dicking around?" Will Sephiroth ever—AKKK!

Cartman: Hippie.

[End of Chapter 1]


	2. Is Saffron a Color?

FINAL CAMEO

Disclaimer: I own a relatively small amount of characters in this fan-fic, simply because it's a fan-fic. I do own: Chaz, Monkey, Ninja Steve, and Dr. Geo. There's a lot of cursing, because I have an affinity for cursing, and there's reference to a lot of other adult material. Enjoy.

Chapter Two: Is Saffron a Color?

[The scene opens up outside Midgar in a special hangar built for Cid's Highwind. Four syringes are stuck in Cid's stump, but he appears to be in an earthly bliss. Cloud, Barret, Vincent, and Sephiroth are loading equipment onto the Highwind. Tifa and Yuffie are playing each other in rock-paper-scissors. Cait Sith is breakdancing over in a corner to the sound of "Grindin" by Clipse.]

Cloud: Hey, Cid! Get over here and help us!

Cid: Hey, look! It's a bird! Birdie, birdie, birdie...

[Cid chases the bird like a little kid. Cloud groans and continues to lift stuff inside. Sephiroth and Vincent have taken an impromptu break and are playing Stikken 9. Sephiroth is playing as Twig and Vincent is StickBot. Vincent is utterly kicking Sephiroth's ass, ripping Twig's stick limbs off one by one.]

Sephiroth: Stop! Hey, stop that! No fair!

Vincent: Stop crying like a fucking baby. Take it like a man!

Sephiroth: ... don't you mean "Take it like a woman?"

Vincent: Whatever you want to do.

[Cloud drops the box he's carrying angrily and grabs both of them by the scruff of the neck.]

Cloud: Hey, assholes, work!

Vincent: Who are you, all of a sudden? Cid?

Sephiroth: Yeah!

Cloud: Shut up, Sephiroth. You've got no say.

Sephiroth: ... man...

[Red XIII walks by and lays down on the floor. Cloud, unsuspecting, trips over Red XIII.]

Cloud: Hey, watch it!

Red XIII: Hey, fuck you!

Cloud: Isn't anybody ready to go find Aeris?

Sephiroth: If I get to bang her first, I am.

Cloud: Shut up.

[Barret brings in another box and sets it down. With his gun-arm, he wipes sweat off of his forehead.]

Barret: Whew! Those boxes are heavy.

Cloud: ... whew?

Barret: Hey, go jump in a river.

Cloud: Been there, done that.

Barret: [mumbling] Yeah, but you didn't fucking drown...

Yuffie: I smell déjà vu.

[Somehow, Yuffie snuck onboard without them noticing. Cloud arches an eyebrow.]

Cloud: Materia.

Yuffie: What? You think I stole it?

Cloud: Yes.

Yuffie: Well, I didn't.

Cloud: Yes, you did.

Yuffie: Okay, I did. But I hid it somewhere you'll never find it.

[Cloud stares at her for a moment, and instinctively grabs her crotch.]

Yuffie: Hey! I didn't hide it _there_! I said somewhere you'll _never find it_!

Cloud: ... it was worth a shot.

[Yuffie slaps Cloud and walks off to her cabin. Cloud shrugs and walks ouside.]

Cloud: Enough dicking around! Everybody inside!

Tifa: Hey, that's Barret's line!

Cloud: Who gives a fuck?

Tifa: ... good point.

[Tifa walks inside. Cait Stih follows, draggins Cid by his belt. Cloud closes the door and presses a button. The Highwind music begins to play. The hangar ceiling opens up and Barret, who's sitting at the controls, brings the plane into the air.

A while later, Vincent is sitting at the Highwind's bar. He grabs a beer and pops it open. As he pours the beer into a glass, some of it spills.]

Vincent: Son of a bitch...

[Bending down to clean it up, he slips and falls on his back. The beer bottle falls off the counter and breaks over his face. Vincent lays there, angry.]

Vincent: Son... of... a... bitch...

[Vincent gets up and leaves the bar, in search of Yuffie. He bumps into her and holds out his hand.]

Vincent: Heal materia.

Yuffie: I don't have your fucking materia.

Vincent: Yes... you do.

Yuffie: No, I don't.

Vincent: Don't make me kill you.

Yuffie: ... shit!

[Yuffie runs and Vincent runs after her. She darts inside a room, but Vincent is quick and enters before she can close the door. Cloud happens to be passing by and rushes to the controls. Cid is not high anymore, and seems pretty angry about it.]

Cloud: Quick, room 6!

Cid: What?

Cloud: The microphone! Room 6!

Cid: You want the camera, too?

Cloud: No. I don't really want to see.

[Cid looks up at Cloud curiously.]

Cid: ... of course you do.

Cloud: ...

Cid: Admit it.

Cait Sith: Admit what?

[Cait Sith walks over to them.]

Cait Sith: What's going on?

Cloud: Yuffie and Vincent are about to get it on.

Cait Sith: So what the fuck are you waiting for? Turn on the camera!

Cid: Cloud the Big Vagina doesn't want to turn on the camera.

Sephiroth: We have a camera?

[Sephiroth turns around now, and so does Barret.]

Cid: Yeah, in all the rooms.

Cait Sith: Hurry up, fucker, turn on the camera! We're missing some of it!

Barret: Who and who?

Cid: Vincent and Yuffie.

Barret: Do you really want to see a vampire and a ninja get it on?

Cait Sith/Sephiroth: Yes.

Barret: Fine with me. Turn it on, Cid.

[Cid turns on the camera. It's dark in the room, but they can still make out what's going on. Red XIII meanders in and sees them all on.]

Red XIII: What's going on?

Cloud: Shhh! Vincent's about to bang Yuffie!

Red XIII: Yeah! Vampire sex! Make room!

[Red XIII bounds in and puts his paws up. They're all totally engrossed in what's going on.]

Sephiroth: Yeah... yeah... yeah...

[Cloud looks at Sephiroth, looks down, and then back at Sephiroth's face. Sephiroth turns red.]

Sephiroth: Sorry. Caught up in the moment.

[While they're all watching, the Highwind crashes through the branches of a tall tree. The Highwind rumbles violently. Cid quickly shuts off the camera, to the discontent of all those watching, to turn back and take control of the ship. Vincent walks out, stark naked and with a hard-on.]

Vincent: What the fuck is going on?

Cait Sith: Fuck is right.

Vincent: ... you didn't...

Cid: It was Cloud's idea.

Cloud: What? I only wanted the microphone! Cait wanted the camera!

Cait Sith: ...

Tifa: You guys are gross. We could crash and you're still talking about them having sex.

Vincent: You weren't watching, were you?

[Tifa blushes and puts away her binoculars.]

Vincent: You guys are all... all... all fuckheads.

Red XIII: Good one.

Cid: Enough dicking around!

All: ...

Cid: What? ... oh... anyway, help me with the controls, you guys!

[Despite all their efforts, Cid can only make a controlled crash landing at the edge of some city. After checking that everyone's okay, they exit the Highwind. Three kids and some weird yellow rat are walking towards them.]

Barret: Hey, you! Kids!

[One of them turns around. He's wearing a red and white baseball cap.]

Ash: What?

Barret: Where the fuck are we?

Ash: We're in Saffron.

Sephiroth: Safron?

Ash: Yeah... we're going to Fuschia City.

Tifa: Hey, kid, why d'you look so glum?

[Nobody notices it before, but Ash looks glum.]

Ash: Nothing...

Brock: It's because he's a sex-starved 11 year old.

Cloud/Barret/Cid: What!?

Brock: It's true. And he wants to bang that redhead.

Cloud/Barret/Misty: What!?

Ash: BROCK! YOU FAGGOT!

[Ash pounces on Brock and starts to beat him up. Misty pulls Ash off of Brock and smiles at him.]

Misty: C'mon, Ash... forget Brock. Let's just have a good time...

[Misty and Ash start making out on the floor. Cloud, Barret, Tifa, and Red XIII cover their eyes. Cid, Vincent, and Yuffie simply act like they can't see them.]

Red XIII: There's something about 11-year olds having sex that disgusts me.

Sephiroth: Yeah... yeah... yeah...

Cloud: SEPHIROTH!

Sephiroth: Sorry!

[Sephiroth puts his "gun" away and they begin to walk towards the city.]

Narrator: Will the Highwind get fixed? Will they ever stop saying "dicking around"? Will Sephiroth stop—

Cartman: Hey, hippie!

Narrator: Get the fuck away from me!

[Gunshot.]

Kyle: Oh my God...

Stan: They killed Cartman!

Kyle: ... well, whatever.


	3. Whatevermon

FINAL CAMEO

Disclaimer: I own a relatively small amount of characters in this fan-fic, simply because it's a fan-fic. I do own: Chaz, Monkey, Ninja Steve, and Dr. Geo. There's a lot of cursing, because I have an affinity for cursing, and there's reference to a lot of other adult material. Enjoy.

Chapter Three: Whatevermon

[The scene opens up in Saffron City. The "gang" is standing dumbfounded as children with bikes and mismatched animals walk around, talking happily. Red XIII seems to be trying to sleep. A policewoman with wild blue hair drives up on a motorcycle.]

Officer Jenny: Can I help you?

Cloud: Yeah, I have a question - doesn't anyone ever drive a fucking car around here?

Officer Jenny: Car...?

Cloud: Yeah. You know, steering wheel, beep! beep! Car.

Officer Jenny: I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about, but if you need assistance, I'd be happy to help you.

Cloud: What... the... fuck...

Tifa: Forget it, Cloud.

Cid: Listen, wench, we need aircraft equipment. Chop chop!

Barret/Cait Sith: Wench?

Cid: ... what? Did I say that?

Vincent: It's the heroin, isn't it?

Cid: Oh, fuck, I forgot that! Let me go get some of that stuff...

[Barret and Vincent restrain Cid.]

Officer Jenny: Is there anything I can help you with?

Tifa: We need some parts for our aircraft.

Officer Jenny: ... I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about.

Tifa: Aircraft... fly, with wings... whoosh!

Cloud: Tifa... drop it.

Officer Jenny: ... I'm afraid-

[Cait Sith knocks Officer Jenny out from behind with a frying pan. Yuffie kicks Red XIII awake and the nine of them keep walking. They see a place with a big red-and-white ball on top.]

Yuffie: What the fuck is that place?

Kid: It's a Poke Center.

[Yuffie screams and jumps aside.]

Yuffie: If you ever do that again, I'm going to steal your kidneys.

Kid: You should go there if you need to rest or to revive your pokemon.

Cloud: Poke a what?

Kid: Pokemon.

Cid: Kid, you've got some heroin, don't you? Tell me you've got heroin.

Vincent: Cid might be right about this one. This kid's definetly high.

Kid: Po-ke-mon! Like this! Poliwhirl, go!

[The kid releases a blue-and-white creature from a small red-and-white ball.]

Poliwhirl: Poliwhirl!

Barret: AHHH!

[Barret shoots the Poliwhirl into ribbons. Nobody else on the street seems to notice.]

Kid: Oh no! Poliwhirl!

Poliwhirl: Po... li... whirl... po... li...

[The kid hugs his dying poliwhirl.]

Barret: Don't fucking do that!

Yuffie: I should steal his kidneys.

Vincent: Settle down, Yuffie...

Tifa: So, are we going inside that place?

Barret: Fuck no! And see more of those pokathings?

[They continue to walk until they reach the outskirts of town. Here, they find a large hangar-like place.]

Cid: Alright! Time to scavenge!

Tifa: You mean, time to steal some parts from other planes to put on ours.

Cid: No, stealing's illegal

Cait Sith: He's got a point.

Cloud: Let's go in already.

[They open the hangar and walk inside. Suddenly, it closes. It's very dark inside until...]

Female Voice: To protect the world from devastation...

Male Voice: To unite all peoples within our nation...

[Two spotlights open up and shine on two people in identical and idiotic white and black uniforms. A third shines on a small cat.]

Barret: What the fuck is going on...?

Female Voice: To denounce the evils of truth and love

Male Voice: To extend our reach to the stars above

Female Voice: Jesse!

Male Voice: James!

Jesse: Team Rocket, blast off at the speed of light!

James: Surrender now or prepare to fight!

Cat: Meowth, that's right!

Cloud/Vincent: What... the fuck... was that?

Jesse: Give us all your pokemon and you won't get hurt!

Barret: WHAT THE FUCK IS A POKEMON!?

James: Don't play dumb!

Meowth: Or we'll have to claw it out of ya!

Jesse: ... that wasn't a pun.

Meowth: I know, but what did you want me to say?

Tifa: We're just looking for some fucking parts so we can go fix our fucking plane!

Jesse: Ah, ah, ah! Your pokemon!

Barret: FUCK YOU!

[Barret shoots his machine gun at Meowth.]

Meowth: MEOWTH BLASTS TO PIECES AGAAAAAIIIIiiinnn....

Yuffie: ... again?

[Meowth falls of the ledge, dead.]

Jesse/James: Meowth!

Jesse: Now it's time to pay! GO, ARBOK!

[Jesse releases a snake creature from its ball. Cloud rushes under and cuts it in two.]

Jesse: Arbok!

James: Don't worry, I'll handle this! WEEZING!

[Before he can release it, though, a hole is burned through the wall. Three kids with their own odd creatures stand in the hole, visibly angry.]

Yuffie: What the fuck is going on?

Cait Sith: Shoot the fuckers!

Vincent: You got it!

[Vincent opens fire. Suddenly, the girl pulls out a card.]

Girl: Digimon, Digivolution!

Jesse: [angry] Digimon...

Barret: What the fuck is up with all this "mon" shit?

[A tall, human-like cat creature begins to spin.]

Voice: Renamon, digolve into... Ultracatrothinga-

[Cid has jumped in and stabbed the cat thing in the chest. Blood oozes from the gash and it dies.]

Rika: RENAMON!

Cid: Getting on my fucking nerves...

James: Koffing, smoke out those Digimon!

Barret: What the fuck ever... I'm leaving.

Tifa: Speaking of fuck, where the fuck is Sephiroth?

[They all look around and can't find Sephiroth.]

Cloud: Shit... let's go find him.

[Nobody pays attention to Cid, who's just been knocked unconcious by a gigantic fireball. They all run out and go to the Pokecenter, where is the last place they remember seeing Seph. Rushing inside, they go up to the counter.]

Cloud: Did a man with long, pale hair come through here?

Nurse Joy: No.

Cloud: Are you sure?

Nurse Joy: Maybe...

Cloud: Listen, bitch, if you're sure, tell me.

Nurse Joy: You'll have to frisk me for it.

Cloud: ... alright, then...

[Cloud reaches out to Joy, but Tifa pulls him back.]

Cloud: Boooobieeeesss...

Tifa: Not in your dreams.

Cloud: ...

[The scene retreats into Cloud's dreams. Cloud is about to touch Nurse Joy's boobies, but a large razor comes down and chops his hands off.]

Cloud: AHHHHHH!!!

[The scene goes back outside Cloud's mind.]

Cloud: Damn you!

[Tifa drags Cloud back outside. Two giant forms of the creatures they saw earlier are stomping around town. A dinosaur-like one is holding a flag with "Digi" written on it. Several smaller creatures are swarming around the two gigantic ones, aiming their powers at them. Several hold "Poke" flags. The group doesn't pay them any attention as they go to a large building that looks like a gym. They walk inside and the doors close mystically behind them. They continue on.]

Voice: Ooof!

[Tifa stepped on something. She looks down.]

Tifa: Ewww, Sephiroth...

Sephiroth: I got shrunken by that freakish girl...

Barret: Well, if we unshrunkened you... wait...

Cait Sith: Retard.

Barret: Hey, shut up!

Yuffie: I smell something to steal.

[Yuffie runs and the rest can only follow. The corridor opens up into an arena of some sort. A woman with a child sitting on her lap are at the opposite end. The doors close behind him.]

Vincent: Will that ever stop?

Woman: I am Sabrina, Gym Leader of Saffron City. Are you ready to battle?

Cloud: ... uhh... yeah, sure. Why not?

Sabrina: I choose... Kadabra!

[The child throws a large red-and-white ball and a strange, gold-colored and oddly mustachioed creature pops out.]

Kadabra: Kadabra!

Tifa: Uhh... I choose... Sephiroth.

[Tifa throws the shrunk Sephiroth onto the field.]

Sephiroth: What the fuck...

[Kadabra steps on Sephiroth.]

Sephiroth: Fuck...

Sabrina: Pathetic. Don't you have any more...

Yuffie: Yoink!

[Yuffie pilfers a Marsh Badge from Sabrina.]

Sabrina: Hey, give that back!

[Sabrina gets up and throws the child into a wall.]

Sabrina: Right now! That's mine! You didn't fucking win! Give it-

[A large reptilian hand crashes through the wall and sweeps through, catching Sabrina and tearing through the other wall. Sephiroth grows under Kadabra's foot and the pokemon loses balance, falling onto it's back.]

Barret: Eat lead, bitch!

[Barret kills the pokemon mercilessly.]

Cloud: Let's get the fuck out of here.

[The eight of them walk out of the Gym and into the city.]

Vincent: Oh, god... Where's Cid?

Tifa/Cait Sith: Shit...

[They walk back to the warehouse, where they find Cid in the corner. He's apparently having sex with Jesse. Cloud hears a zipper.]

Cloud: If you do, I'll fucking cut it off.

Sephiroth: Damn.

[Sephiroth zips his pants back up. Vincent walks over and pulls Cid off of Jesse.]

Cid: Hey! Hey! She was just about to-

Vincent: I don't care. We're leaving.

Cid: Not without my pants, we're not!

[Cid scrambles away and grabs his pants.]

Jesse: Ungh... I'll do it myself... call me!

Cid: Roger wilco!

Jesse: On second thought... don't...

[They pull Cid away before he can reply. They keep walking on. One of the gigantic mega things are dead, but the other, reptilian one is fighting on. In the distance, two more gigantic animals are wading through the forest. Suddenly, Tifa stops.]

Tifa: Where's Red?

[They all groan.]

Barret: Crap monkeys!

Vincent/Cloud/Tifa/Yuffie: Crap monkeys?

[Jesse pokes her head out of the warehouse.]

Jesse: Crap monkeys?

[The giant creature stops fighting for a second.]

Giant Reptile Mon: Crap monkeys?

[The shot zooms out to show the whole world.]

Entire World except Barret: Crap monkeys!?

[The shot zooms back in.]

Barret: What is the big fucking deal!?

[Tifa shrugs.]

Cloud: Let's go get that fucking talking cat.

[They walk around the city and enter a casino. It's pretty nice. Half of it is burnt to a crisp, though. At one of the slot machines, they see Red XIII with a bag of coins.]

Red XIII: C'mon, daddy needs a new pair of shoes...

Cloud: Vincent...

Vincent: I'm on it.

[Vincent goes over and pulls Red XIII away from the slots.]

Red XIII: Nooo! My money! My shoes! My new pair of shoes!!!

Vincent: Shut up...

Barret: Enough dicking around! Let's go!

Cloud: Dicking around?

[Everyone stops as Cloud waits for someone else to pick up.]

Cloud: C'mon, Tifa, you now... dicking around?

Tifa: ...

Cid: Shut up, Cloud.

Cloud: Fuck you!

[They walk out, abusing Cloud (not sexually, you perverts! Well... okay, I guess you could give a good argument about what's perverted. But still, not sexually). Then, amidst the war of strange animals and mismatched creatures, they continue walking down the road.]

Narrator: Where will their path take them next? Would they PLEASE stop saying "dicking around"? Goddamn, that's annoying. I mean, couldn't they just, for one chapter, just not-

[Thunk!]

Narrator: ... fuck... there's an arrow... inside my... urrgh.

Cartman: Ctrl+Alt+Del style! RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAH!


	4. Sesame Side Story

FINAL CAMEO

Disclaimer: I own a relatively small amount of characters in this fan-fic, simply because it's a fan-fic. I do own: Chaz, Monkey, Ninja Steve, and Dr. Geo. There's a lot of cursing, because I have an affinity for cursing, and there's reference to a lot of other adult material. Enjoy.

Chapter Four: Sesame Side Story

[The scene opens up as the group walks towards a neighborhood that's not connected to anything. Cid arches an eyebrow as they near it.]

Cid: What the fuck is _that_ place?

Cloud: No idea.

Cid: It's not connected to anything!

Yuffie: We can see, dumbass.

Cid: Why don't you go get fucked?

Yuffie/Vincent: Hey!

[They walk inside the neighborhood, not seeing anything else to do. It seems extremely cheesy and cartoonish. A purple puppet in a black cloak with large glasses and fangs walks up to them.]

The Count: Hello. Who are you? Blah!

Tifa: ... what?

The Count: Your names? I vant - to know - your names! Blah!

Vincent: What are you?

The Count: I am The Count! Blah!

Barret: He said _what_ are you?

The Count: I am a vampire! Blah!

Cait Sith: Stop saying "Blah!" It's almost as annoying as di-

Tifa/Yuffie: Don't say it!

Vincent: You're pathetic.

The Count: Hey, vy don't you go get fucked? Blah!

Yuffie: Does every single one of these have to have a recurring theme?

Author: Yes.

Yuffie: Damn you.

The Count: Tell me your names now! Blah!

Red XIII: If you say "Blah!" one more time...

The Count: Blah! Blah! Bl-

[Red XIII pounces and slashes the Count's face. The Count grabs his face and back away.]

The Count: You mo-dderfo-cker! I'm going to kill you! Blah!

[A gigantic yellow bird walks onto the scene.]

Big Bird: Now, Count... that's no way to talk.

The Count: The leetle fucker scratched me in my face!

Big Bird: What? Someone needs to be taught a lesson?

Barret: This is insane.

Big Bird: What did you expect it to be? Flowers?

Cloud: You _do_ realize that makes no sense.

Big Bird: Why don't you go-

[Vincent shoots Big Bird in the chest.]

Big Bird: Ahhh!

[Big Bird falls over. The Count runs.]

The Count: Hey, these fuckers killed Big Bird! Blah!

Sephiroth: Thanks, Vincent...

Yuffie/Cait Sith/Cloud: Sephiroth speaks!

Sephiroth: Shut up.

[They continue walking. It doesn't take long until a mass of mismatched people and monsters appear on the scene wielding chains, bats, pipes, and knives.]

Ernie: You killed Big Bird!

Bert: Now you're gonna have to pay!

Cookie Monster: In cookies!

Elmo: Shut your trap, Cookie Monster.

Cookie Monster: Cookies, cookies... yum!

[Elmo beats Cookie Monster over the head with his pipe. Bert points the bat.]

Bert: Attack!

[The Sesame Street characters charge at the Final Fantasy VII guys. The FFVII group turns and runs away. They duck into an alleyway and wait as the horde of puppets rush past.]

Cloud: Huff... puff... Jesus tapdancing Christ...

Barret: How are we gonna get away?

[Suddenly, the sound of snapping fingers comes to their ears. The turn out and a group of puppets, different from the Sesame Street characters, are moving towards them, stepping and snapping as if choreographed.]

Vincent: What the fuck is going on?

Muppets: [singing] Oh we are the Muppets!

Gonzo/Fozzie: [hushed singing] The Muppets!

Muppets: [singing] Oh we are the Mup-pets!

Gonzo/Fozzie: [singing] The - Mup-pets!

Muppets: [singing] We're gonna get 'em... gonna get 'em bad! We are the Muppets!

GonzoFozzie: [hushed singing] The Muppets!

Red XIII: Okay, okay, hold on.

Kermit: ... what?

Red XIII: What the fuck are you guys doing?

Ms. Piggie: Our dance number.

Cait Sith: Dance number?

Kermit: Yeah. You gotta have a dance number if you're going to be a gang.

Sephiroth/Cid/Cloud/Barret: ...

Tifa: ... why?

Gonzo: Don't ask us. It's just how it is.

Vincent: And may I ask _why_ you chose _this_ alleyway to do your dance number in?

Kermit: We've had it booked for weeks!

Barret: You book alleyways?

Gonzo/Fozzie/Kermit: Doesn't everybody?

Yuffie: ... no...

Gonzo: That's because you're fuckers.

Barret: Hey!

Cloud: We should kill you for that!

Tifa: Cloud...

Cloud: I should just cut your fucking heads off! Just waste you and-

Tifa: CLOUD!

Cloud: What?

Tifa: RUN!

[A helicopter-like device has risen up with a small pink Muppet controlling it.]

Animal: Ahargra! Me shoot!

[The helicopter does indeed shoot and the FFVII crew has to dance to avoid the bullets.]

Vincent: Up here!

[Vincent grabs onto a ladder and hauls himself up. The rest scramble up after him. The helicopter continues to follow them, though. Barret attempts to shoot at it.]

Barret: You guys go! I'll stay and hold this thing off!

Cloud: ... okay. See ya!

Barret: Hey! You're supposed to be all noble and say "I can't leave you here alone!"

Cloud: ... so?

Barret: Ahh, fuck!

[Barret runs along with the rest of them as Animal gives chase. They drop down into another alleyway and Animal flies overhead, missing them.]

Cait Sith: I wasn't made to run like this...

[A ninja in white steps out of the darkness.]

Ninja: Hey. Losers. Can you see me now?

Cid: What are you doing here?

Ninja: Got some stuff to sell...

Tifa: Sell?

[Apparently Tifa, and now the rest of the group, can see the ninja.]

Ninja: My name is Steve. Ninja Steve. And I got some...

[The ninja looks left and right.]

Ninja Steve: Drugs...

Cid: DRUGS!?!? You got some heroin?

[Vincent hits Cid over the head.]

Ninja Steve: I got the next best thing! NyQuil!

[Ninja Steve produces a bottle of NyQuil. Cid grabs it.]

Cid: How much?

Ninja Steve: 40 Gil.

Cid: Hm... I don't have any Gil on me. Someone spot me 40.

Yuffie: No way, Cid!

Cait Sith: I'll do it.

Cid: You're a pal, Cait!

Cait Sith: But I get half the bottle.

Cloud: What?

Sephiroth: I want in! I've got 10 Gil!

Tifa: Christ...

Cid: Alright, alright. We'll all get a third of the bottle.

Cait Sith/Sephiroth: Right.

[Sephiroth gives Ninja Steve 10 Gil and Cait Sith gives Ninja Steve 30 Gil. Ninja Steve forks over the bottle.]

Ninja Steve: I've also got something for the ladies...

Yuffie: Oh ya? What's that?

Ninja Steve: Viagra!

[Yuffie gives Vincent a sly smile and Vincent teardrops.]

Yuffie: I'll take two bottles.

Vincent: I do _not_ need help getting up!

Ninja Steve: Alright! That's 110 Gil.

Yuffie: It's a bit high, but where else am I gonna get Viagra...

[Yuffie gives Steve the money and Steve gives her two bottles of Viagra. She stuffs one in Tifa's hands.]

Vincent: Hey! I don't need no stinking Viagra!

Yuffie: You owe me.

Tifa: I know.

[Cloud and Vincent glance at each other and grimace.]

Ninja Steve: I've gotta go now. Got a whole crate of Ritalin to push.

Vincent: Dammit, just because I'm a vampire doesn't mean it doesn't work! Rigamortis, anyone?

[Ninja Steve steps back into the background and vanishes from sight. Vincent turns to Cloud.]

Vincent: You do what this means, right?

Cloud: Lots of hot sex?

Vincent: 12 rounds.

Cloud: I don't think I can last that long...

Narrator: Now the group continues through Sesame Street, trying to get out! Will they succeed? Will-

King Arthur: Have at you, knave! You have disturbed Cart Man, lord of South Park!

[Swordfighting sounds. Then, the sound of metal sliding through flesh.]

Narrator: Why have you fuckers got it out for me?

[Thud.]


	5. Orange Devils and Blue Lasers

FINAL CAMEO

Disclaimer: I own a relatively small amount of characters in this fan-fic, simply because it's a fan-fic. I do own: Chaz, Monkey, Ninja Steve, and Dr. Geo. There's a lot of cursing, because I have an affinity for cursing, and there's reference to a lot of other adult material. Enjoy.

Chapter Five: Orange Devils and Blue Lasers

[The scene opens up to show the FFVII group walking towards a large city.]

Tifa: I wonder where we are now?

Cloud: Don't ask me.

Yuffie: Hmm... I wonder if that's going to be the new theme.

Vincent: Don't ask me.

Tifa: Yup.

[They enter the city, which is laden with all sorts of high tech machinery. On the side of a large business building is a gigantic television screen. A man in a brown shirt with an afro is shown on the screen, giving a peace sign.]

Announcer: Mr. Satan, the most beloved savior of the world, has saved Orange City once again from the MOLE PEOPLE!

Cait Sith: ... mole people?

Announcer: Yes, the terrifying mole people who had been terrorizing our city for ages. Now that Mr. Satan has taken care of them, we can all live in peace.

[A huge cheer comes up from the crowd. Suddenly, an explosion is heard on the other side of town. The FFVII gang looks up and sees a man floating in midair, laughing maniacally.]

Cloud: What the fuck?

Cid: It's time to go... get some heroin!

Tifa: Not if I have anything to say about it!

Cid: Damn... ruining all my fun.

Barret: Alright, Cloud, Cid, Vince, and me'll check that out. The rest of you...

Yuffie: Yeah, the rest of us what?

Barret: I don't know. Go get a drink or something. This is a MAN'S job!

Red XIII: And I'm not a man?

Barret: You're a cat person.

Cait Sith: And me?

Barret: You're a robot.

Sephiroth: And what about me?

Barret: ... don't even get me started.

Sephiroth: Hey, and fuck you too!

Cloud: Just go!

[They split up and the guys (sans Sephiroth) head towards the explosion. When they reach the area, a gigantic crater has been shot into the ground. A man in blue overalls and a green shirt is hovering in the air, his hands crackling with power.]

Android 387: AHAHAHAHA! Fear my power!

Cloud: Shut up!

Android 387: How dare you tell me to shut up! I outta...

[Android 387 flies down towards Cloud, but he's cut off by a man with freakish hair and wearing an orange jumpsuit.]

Android 387: GOKU!?!?

Vincent: It just gets better and better, doesn't it?

Cid: I know.

Vincent: I was being sarcastic, dumbass.

Cid: Gesundheit.

Vincent: ... what?

Cid: Exactly.

Goku: I am more powerful than you can ever be! Super Saiyan, go!

[Goku's hair turns golden as a burst of energy surrounds him.]

Goku: HAA! Time now for the... SAIYAN FLICK OF DOOM!

[Goku flicks Android 387 on the nose and the android comes crashing down into the ground. Just as Goku switches out of Super Saiyan, a large blue beam of energy knocks into him, forcing him into the ground.]

Vegeta: HA! You'll never be stronger than me, Kakarot!

Barret: Hey! If I may interject!?

Vegeta: ... what? Oh, whatever. Just make it quick.

Barret: What's up with you and this Cracka Carrot guy, anyway?

Vegeta: Nothing. I'm the Saiyan Prince, so therefore I must be stronger than him.

Cid: Can I ask a question too?

Vegeta: What is this, fucking question and answer hour?

Cid: Are you gay?

Vegeta: Fuck you!

Cid: I'll take that as a yes.

Vegeta: NO, DAMMIT!

Cloud: Yes, no, dammit?

Vincent: ... wake up, Cloud.

[Cloud snaps to his senses and wipes the drool away from his mouth.]

Cloud: Sorry. Cid's speech is making me retarted.

Vegeta: AGGH! I'll kill you all just for speaking!

[Vegeta fires a massive hail of fireballs at the FFVII guys. There's a large crater where the guys once stood. Suddenly...]

Tifa: BEAT RUSH!!!!

Vegeta: What the f-

[Tifa beats some rush into Vegeta's face. Heh heh. "beats some rush." Get it? Because the Beat Rush and... nevermind.

Anyway, Vegeta falls down as Tifa pummels him. As they near the ground, Goku blasts Tifa off.]

Goku: *pant* *pant* *pant*

Cid: Pants?

Goku: Shut the fuck up.

Cid: Sorry.

Gohan: Hey, dad!

[A kid wearing the same uniform as Goku decends on the area.]

Goku: Son! Get out of here!

Gohan: Why? It's just-urk!

[Cid stabs Gohan in the back.]

Cid: Aha! Score one for the Cid-man!

Goku: NOOO!!! I will make you pay!

[Goku punches Cid once, sending him flying into a toy store. Barret and Vincent both unload on Goku, but he moves too quickly.]

Goku: FUUUUUUCK...

[Goku brings his hands back to charge a beam.]

Goku: YOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUU!!!!!

[Goku fires a beam that lands squarely in Vincent's chest. Vincent is sent into a pile of shit. Tifa comes running from behind.]

Tifa: BEAT RUSH!

[As Tifa goes to land her attack, Goku punches her in the face. Unexpectedly, throwing stars fly out from nowhere, but Goku is quick enough to dodge them.]

Yuffie: Oh say can you see?

Barret: Can we stop with the corny jokes?

Yuffie: Don't ask me.

[During this response time, Goku flies up and kicks Yuffie in the jaw. Suddenly, Cait Sith leaps out and claws at Goku. Goku blocks it and kicks Cait away. Red XIII leaps up and slashes at Goku, who moves back to avoid it.]

Goku: Damn! Nine on one!

Red XIII: Sounds like a plan.

Goku: Damn you and your stupid sex jokes!

[Goku moves forward and punches Red in the face, knocking him into a lemonade stand. The kid working the stand cries and runs away. A man in a brown suit comes out.]

Mr. Satan: Have no fear, Goku!

Goku: Aw, shit...

Mr. Satan: It is I! Mr. Satan! I have come to your-fuck... someone cut me, didn't they?

[The top half of Mr. Satan's body falls off, revealing Sephiroth wielding the masamune. Sephiroth raises the sword high.]

Sephiroth: Time to rot your teeth!

Goku: What's rotting teeth got to do with anything?

Sephiroth: Aha!

Goku: You're dumb.

[Goku and Sephiroth leap at each other. Sephiroth makes a clean cut, landing unhurt. They turn around. Sephiroth runs at Goku and makes a few cuts, but Goku dodges them. Goku leaps up and out of they way and Sephiroth runs head first into a wall. Goku kicks him in the chest. Sephiroth falls down and begins crying.]

Goku: Baby.

[Barret comes in and hits Goku over the head with his gun arm.]

Goku: Aren't you dead?

Barret: Does it FEEL like I'm dead?

Goku: Good point.

[Goku rams his elbow into Barret's stomach and tosses him away. Suddenly, Sephiroth comes back and attacks viciously. He cuts Goku several times. Goku falls to his knees.]

Sephiroth: Feels like a dick up the ass, doesn't it?

Goku: And you would know?

Sephiroth: Damn you.

Goku: Too bad I haven't shown you... my true power!

Sephiroth: Do all you anime heroes have to have some hidden power?

Goku: Yeah. So?

Sephiroth: Just wondering. And what about the--?

Goku: Yeah, I forgot. I meant to say "Don't ask me."

Sephiroth: Good.

Goku: Now for the true powerness. YAAAAAH!

[Goku turns Super Saiyan 2. He flies at Sephiroth and punches. Sephiroth brings his sword up to block, but Goku's fist shatters the masamune.]

Sephiroth: ... oh, fuck...

[Goku punches Sephiroth up into the air , then flies up and drills him into a building wall.

He comes back down and just as he's about to power down, a voice comes out from nowhere.]

Cloud: Hold it right there.

[Cloud flips down off of a building and points the buster sword at Goku.]

Cloud: You can't hurt my frie... er... my associa... well... you can't hurt THEM.

Tifa: Thanks for the vote of confidence, Cloud.

Cloud: Welcome.

Goku: Enough talk! Did you come here to fight or not?

Cloud: No. I came here to kick your ass!

[Everyone pauses for a second.]

Cloud: So... I guess that means... yes. Dammit...

Goku: Alright then, bleach-boy!

Cait Sith: That's a new one.

[Goku rushes at Cloud and punches, but Cloud leaps out of the way. He spins around and gives Goku a bad cut on the arm. Goku comes back again, but Cloud blocks with the sword and moves away. Goku flies at Cloud and kicks, but Cloud ducks and leaps into the air, slashing Goku's front. Goku flies towards the ground and crashes through a rock.]

Goku: Damn... surfer-boy's taking me out... Gotta do something... the fate of the world rests in my hands!

Cloud: Well the fate of your world rests in my sword, bitch!

Yuffie: Ugh...

Barret: Stop talking, Cloud! You're numbing my brain!

Cloud: Sorry!

[Goku takes this opportunity to tackle Cloud. He sends Cloud through a wall. A collective gasp from the FFVII crew seems to spell Cloud's fate. Suddenly, a red line of flame shoots out of the hole in the wall and catches Goku square in the stomach. The Saiyan rockets away, hitting a telephone pole.]

Goku: Fuck! My back!

Cloud: Ahh... shit...

[Cloud steps out and hefts his sword once again. As he runs to Goku, Goku flies up into the air, out of Cloud's reach.]

Goku: It's time to perform my ultimate attack.

[Goku brings his hands back to charge up a ki blast.]

Goku: SUUUUUUPERRRR UNNNBLOOOOOCKAAABLE...

Cloud: Shit, shit, shit, where's an Ultima materia when you need it?

Goku: ULLLLTRAAAAAA CHEEEAAAAP...

Cloud: Ah! Found it!

[Cloud works feverishly to set it on his sword.]

Goku: TOOTAAALLLY GENERRRIIIIIIC...

[Cloud sets the materia on the buster sword and points it at Goku. He clicks it, but nothing happens. He clicks again. Still nothing.]

Cloud: Shit... how does this thing work?

Goku: KEEEEEEEPS GOOOIIIIING UNTIIIIIILL CLOOOUUUD IIIIS REEAADYYY...

Cloud: Alright! Got it!

[Cloud clicks it and the buster sword shudders with power.]

Goku: KI BLAAAAAST!

[Goku shoots his blue ki beam as Cloud unleashes the white Ultima attack. The beams lock in midair in a heated energy contest.]

Goku: HA! Time to die, ammonia-head!

Cloud: Shut up!

Goku: Make me!

Cloud: Faggot!

Goku: WHAAAAT!?!?

[The battle continues. The ground underneath Cloud's feet cracks and gives way. All at once, Cloud slips and falls. His beam shuts off and Goku's continues. Suddenly, as it seems Goku has won, his beam shoots back at him. When the laser dissapates, all that is left is a charred husk which promptly falls to the ground. Cloud gets up and dusts himself off, looking around.]

Cloud: Hm. Glad they decided to have a "Mirrors for Hobos" day today...

Vincent: No fucking way...

[Cloud picks up the mutilated former mirror and hurls it like a frisbee at Goku's body.]

Barret: I never thought I'd have to rely on Cloud to save my ass...

Sephiroth: Me either.

Barret: Shut up, Sephiroth, nobody asked you!

[Sephiroth grumbles as the rest get up and dust themselves off.]

Tifa: Nice job, Cloud. Now if we can just find out if this place has any airplane parts...

[The group walks off into the city.]

Narrator: What's going to happen next episode? Will someone come calling for revenge against Cloud? Will they find parts for their-

[Chainsaw sounds.]

Narrator: AHHH!

[Fast, running footsteps and chainsaw sounds.]

Narrator: No! Fuck, no, he's gonna get me!

[Chainsaw cutting through flesh.]

Narrator: NOOOOOOOO!!! Damn... you... all.... I guess this is what I get for living in Texas.

[Thud.]


End file.
